Chupacabra Canoe

Munitions Master

Level 3 Canoeist

Master Level Pyrotechnics/Munitions

Adventure Badge Pending

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This is the first edition of a set of weekly blogs I will be compiling in preparation for the upcoming canoe trip. They will cover certain aspects of time on the river that are worth addressing.

In every river you journey, including the river of life, you will come across a portion Buzzkillington refers to as the ‘riffles’. For those unfamiliar this is the section where the water speed picks up pace, the navigationable area narrows, and obstacles such as rocks, logs, and overturned canoes become hazardous. Over the years certain canoesist have developed unorthadox ways to handle this, I will highlight each one and allow the reader to decide which method they are most comfortable with.

The Russian Flower Flounder: This method was made popular by our Bosnian Buoy. If you find yourself wearing colored pants and having a fear of water and still don’t know how to swim in your early 30’s this could be for you. While approaching the rapids, the first thing your gonna wanna do is panic. A lot. Yelling your sternmans name over and and over but not loud enough to get his attention is key. Begin frantically paddling, but with quick short strokes with the oar barely touching water. This will essentially do nothing but spray water on the person behind. Good. Now you have the sternmans attention and he will do the actual work.

Spinners Strokeless Stroke: This is another method for the bowman of the canoe. Our most senior member of the Chups has perfected over his multitude of years on the river a strategy for handling rapids: aim for the rocks. Its a bold strategy but we don’t call him spinner for nothing. As you approach the rapids and gain speed, simply pick up your oar, lay it across your lap, and allow the river to take you. Once you hit a rock, your canoe will be spun around and you are now able to complete the rest of the rapids backwards, I assume for the thrill.

The Log Jam: Every year some members try out this method which is almost fool-proof. If a canoe is ahead of you try and catch up right as they enter the rapids. The more canoes you can fit into the narrow rapids the better. Remember, power in numbers. If you are in the back of the log jam and a canoe is stuck in front, simply  try to go over/through the stopped canoe. (see Ryan Ramp)

The Ryan Ramp: When encountering a log jam, simply get as much speed and get through the log jam as quick as possible. If you go over the canoe thats turned sideways in front of you thats works. Buzzkillington perfected this nearly capsizing 2 canoes. You can’t be 2 miles ahead of everyone the whole trip if your stuck in a log jam.

Notes:

-If you turn around and see someone hung up in the rapids with an overturned canoe, pretend you didn’t see them, they’ll be alright. Simply gather the frozen waterbottles as they float by.

-Timing is everything. Make sure you just opened a beer and are trying to light a cigar right as you enter the rapids. Multitasking and being caught off guard will help you hone your skills.

-If you’re not too experienced on the river and worried about losing your belongings, try putting everything in a car-top carrier and loading into the canoe. This will make your canoe top heavy and prone to tipping, but atleast your stuff will all stay together. Make sure you secure the butter.

-No one expects to tip or get wet in the rapids. Make sure if you have fireworks, kindling or firestarter to keep in a closed container. A few walmart bags could work too. If you have personal items like a wallet, phone or the only set of keys to the car, throw them in a cooler thats heavy enough to sink so you know where they are.

Learning from past experiences is key so if I missed anything please feel free to comment and add recommendations below.

Munitions Masters is a weekly contributor to the Chupacabra Canoe website.