Chupacabra Canoe

Munitions Master

Level 3 Canoeist

Master Level Pyrotechnics/Munitions

Adventure Badge Pending

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This is the 2nd edition of a set of (somewhat) weekly blogs I have been compiling in preparation for the upcoming canoe trip. They cover certain aspects of time on the river that are worth addressing.

With less than one week until launch, I’m sure most if not all, have thought about beginning packing. At the Marlboro outpost, the most notable packing progress made up to this point involved retiring the tent cots for the foreseeable future. And that’s about it. So, to procrastinate further on my part I am dedicating this article to: Packing Essentials on the River.

A staple for any canoe or camping trip always involves the picture of reeling in that big fish. So we’ll begin with fishing gear. As of this trip we have a net total of 1 fish caught, by former member Ham Sandwhich. It could be due to limited knowledge/patience for the sport. My go to method involves tossing M-80s in the water and hoping I get a piece of one. No luck yet, as most gear is wet by 2nd day, but I remain optimistic. Foggy Bottom Blues will most likely once again throw in the same 4 broken rods in the trailer as were leaving and wonder why none work even though 2 have not had line in them since our first trip. I believe CC even tried a net once but no luck. On that fateful night years ago, Seacow (after a bottle of rumplemintz) fell in the river trying to catch one, allegedly. Despite our many different approaches we have not been fruitful but we do have lessons learned.

So if planning on fishing, bring a rod that you know works and required licenses. The loophole to the license situation is pretty simple. You need one of the following; make sure there are children under the age of 12 (varies by state) near you, or the once person who bought a permit is. Then if a ranger shows up everyone dump the poles near them and claim they were the only ones fishing. It helps to have a FireStick-esque member to yell “PARK RANGER” over and over if there is one approaching. This helps to alert the members one is near and to help assure the officer there is nothing illegal going on.

Alcohol. The most important part of packing. If you’re thinking alcohol per volume when space is limited, the logical thing would be to pack hard liquor as is packs easier, doesn’t need to stay cold, and you doesn’t take much space. Rookie mistake. Your gonna wanna pack beer and for a seven day trip, lots of it. Not to mention coolers, ice and even dry ice to keep your ice cold. It all makes sense according to our leading expert on the matter rightfully named BeerCanoeist. An important sidenote learned last year, bring bloodymary mix. Helps start the day right and takes the sting off a night of too much Jameson. Dry toast is a good alternative.

Food. Since you have no cooler space left from the beer and ice, you need about 95% of your food to be canned, freeze-dried, or beef jerky. 15 pounds of bacon is nice but your stomach can only handle so much grease.

Tents. The only note here is try not to overdo it with too many zippers. After a couple drinks no-one wants to hear the 15 minutes of zipping and unzipping before you realize there’s a separate mosquito net under the first flap. If you are concerned a about rain, bring a rain flap or a 20ft x 40 ft tarp. Foggy should have a spare just in case.

This articles getting long so I’ll wrap the rest up with final notes.

• Spare tire, preferably with a little dry rot so its road ready.
• Logs to start the fire. Just toss them in the bottom of the canoe so they soak a little, theyll burn longer this way. Probably.
• Fire arms. Not completely set on this but hey whats the worst that could happen.
• Shovel. Those straddle trenches aren’t gonna dig themselves.
• Morning firework shot, to let the locals know were coming
• A well designed pvc water balloon launcher. It helps to have a competant 2 man team, which Russian Flower seems to lack on. You know for being from a country that prides itself on military might, kind of pansie. Just saying.
• A good spool of twine. Perfect way to fasten canoe to roof of car.

Finally, when packing be ready to part with anything you bring with you. And if things get rough, just follow Buzz Killington’s lead you can just throw it all in the fire and walk. I mean, its all meaningless anyway.

Munitions Masters is a weekly contributor to the Chupacabra Canoe website.