The Liquor Debacle of 2014
Seacow
It is 6:00 pm on a Wednesday evening. The Chupacabra are en-route to their river of choice. This trek takes them deep into the woods of Pennsylvania. I believe we were traversing the Allegheny. As we make our way through the backroads of PA, I realize I do not have liquor to accompany and thus share with the Chupacabra. Captain Canoe graciously and willingly offers to stop at the liquor store, eager to see which choice will be made by Seacow, who had just turned 21 seven months prior. I (Seacow) decide to go with the cheap, fun college choice of Rumple Minze. This decision will come back to haunt me for the next decade.
As we make our way through the river, I am fighting off the constant berating and belittling of a candied liquor choice. At the time, peppermint schnapps had seemed like a good idea. As an alternative to inebriation, it also provided a great substitute for Listerine mouthwash. Friday night of the trek, the Rumple Minze makes it appearance, for once and for all. The bottle gets passed around and passed up by every Chup, leaving me no choice but to consume it in its entirety. Hindsight being 20/20, this was not a river-smart decision. Many plants and greenery were thus provided with ample growth from involuntary fertilizer. The peppermint schnapps would cloud the reasoning and decision-making ability for days to come. The Rumple Minze was retired from any future trips for many obvious reasons.
The Thought Process: Purchase a cheap, high proof (100) bottle of liquor to share.
The Decision: Purchase Rumple Minze, a candied liquer, which could substitute as a peppermint mouthwash.
The Feedback: Terrible decision, disliked by all, left to consume in its entirety by Seacow.
The Disappointment: Captain Canoe, mostly.
What did we learn? When in doubt, do not purchase a candied liquer, and instead, remove yourself from the liquor store immediately and self-impose a 15-minute liquor timeout to reassess your river decision making skills. When traveling with the Chupacabra, we must stick to what we know with our alcohol choices. These include, but are not limited to, Bourbons, Whiskeys, Vodka, Tequila and, occasionally, a Rum. Any deviation from these 5 standards will result in perpetual Chupacabra hell in the form of chastising, belittling and disparaging comments. Don’t be that Chup.
Respectfully,
Seacow
Seacow is part of the third generation of canoeists. Earning the nickname Seafoam early on due to his paddle rate, he has now been dubbed Seacow. He goes left when every one says right.
Author: SeaCow
I am SeaCow
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